A Tool for the Journey

{I wrote this post a couple weeks ago as I prepared for the next step for me.  I have not been sure of when to publish it, but now the surgery is behind me. So, here goes. This is part of my story, the next piece of the lifelong journey.  Be kind and gentle as you read and absorb.  As you read this, may you be encouraged, may you spurred on to make a next step in your own life, may you be moved to pray for me and others in a similar physical, emotional and spiritual journey for health, strength and body image. I am 3 days post-op and doing really well!}

I have made a decision.  A really important decision.  One that is for my health and the very best me. One that I have been pretty private and guarded in conversation about until now. And it is exactly the opposite of my expectations.  I was so very ignorant and misinformed about my choice, skeptical at best. So what is it?

I am having bariatric surgery, a sleeve gastrectomy, specifically.

Allow me to share my story.  I have been seeing the weight loss clinic at Novant Health in Kernersville*.  The support staff has been amazing.  I began my journey with this group in May this year. I have been a life-long dieter and thought I knew all there was to know about healthy eating options, successful diet and exercise plans, and general good nutrition.  I had tried so many diets in the past, with lots of will-power and enthusiasm, only to get discouraged and quit.  So in the Spring when I reached my highest weight, I began praying for a solution.  I had been diagnosed with hypertension, gastroesophageal reflux, obstructive sleep apnea and was morbidly obese.

Not only did I feel terrible most of the time, I also carried around a load of shame.  How could I have allowed myself to get here?
"I know better."
"I'm just a quitter anyway."
"Why try again, you'll fail."
"I'll never be able to..."

The shame I carried seemed to weigh me down more than anything.  At one point, my own body insecurities were all I could see.  I began examining these feelings head-on with a wonderful counselor.  She helped me see what my family and friends have tried to tell me along: that I am worthy of self-care.  I live my life with arms wide open ready and willing to be available and of service.  It was time to make sure that I am also make it onto the list of folks that I care for!

Also, my eyes were opened to the startling truth that I AM NOT A FAILURE.  I have failed some diets before.  I have failed at other things before, too. We all have. We can't win them all! Somewhere along the way, I made the rules for success and failure much more stringent for myself than anyone else.  I am quick to offer grace to everyone around me, and now I am offering it to myself too.

I am already doing the important thing about falling down: I get back up and get out in the arena of life again. I am not listening to the voice of shame in my life any longer. Period.

As I allowed these truths of grace to sink in deeply, I reached out for help with my health.  Additionally, I wanted help with my weight loss.  As a Physician Assistant, I know the realities of comorbidities associated with obesity.  My family history includes diabetes, hypertension, and other cardiac issues, like heart attack and congestive heart failure, and as my diagnoses list grew, I knew I had better get serious about my own health.

The help I sought needed to be a wholistic approach.  I desired to work with physicians, nutritionists and a behavioral therapist.  Having seen and read so much about the Kernersville Bariatric Clinic they were my first call and where I landed.  I have been so thankful for this group of folks that are so supportive and helpful.  I have already mentioned some of the ways they have supported me in my journey.  I wanted to know all the tools and options that are available to me in this program.  Even though I immediately answered "no" when asked if I was interested in bariatric surgery, months later I was encouraged to just go and hear what they have to say.

We did.  And we haven't looked back.  Smitty, as my support person, and I went to a surgical seminar that is lead by the bariatric surgeons of the group.  There we learned about all the different types of bariatric surgery, and the ones that are performed at this facility. They are very frank about surgery risks, side effects both short and long term, and managing expectations of bariatric surgery.

Apparently I had formed a really negative opinion about bariatric surgery somewhere along the way. The myths in my mind were dispelled by hearing the truth straight from the surgeon.  Even being someone in the primary care medical community, I recognized my own misconceptions. There is still so much education needed around this life giving procedure.

So what did we learn?

Bariatric surgery is not the easy way out.  This was the biggest emotional/mental obstacle I had to overcome because of the shame I have associated with failed attempts at weight loss. My desire is to be strong and healthy, not just "successful" at weight loss.  There is so much hard work done prior to surgery to prepare your body for this change.  The real work begins after the surgery is complete.  Lifestyle changes are made months in advance to prepare for the surgery and are necessary for the rest of your life after surgery.  Commitment to a vigorous cardio and strength training exercise program is required.  This investment in the process and the commitment to lifestyle change and exercise must be demonstrated prior to scheduling the surgery.

Bariatric surgery is successful at curing and reversing many comorbidities caused by obesity, so much that it is being recommended as first-line treatment in obese diabetic patients.  A return to health and quality of life is a side effect of these surgeries.  My hypertension and sleep apnea have an 80% cure rate within 6 months of surgery.

Bariatric surgery is much less invasive than it has been.  The surgeries performed at this facility are laparoscopic.  5 very small incisions in the belly, so the risks of bleeding and infection are significantly reduced. You spend a couple days in the hospital.

Bariatric surgery, specifically sleeve gastrectomy, does not have post-operative malnutrition associated with it.  The main concern after this surgery is staying hydrated and keep moving. My food intake will look very different from most for several months after surgery.  I begin with liquids for a few weeks and slowly introduce solid food.  Think, introducing a baby to new foods: slow and steady.  That will be me!

Bariatric surgery with the Novant group comes with a beautiful support system after surgery too.  I expect to have good and bad days, as anyone does after a big life event. My team of surgeons, nurse navigators, nutritionists, and psychologists are with me for the long haul.  In fact, I have signed a contract committing to all of my post-op care, including annual follow-up for the rest of my life.  They truly want me to be successful in my quest for health and are walking with me every step of the way.

Bariatric surgery requires more than just the support of the staff; I need support from my community.
I share this story with you, my people, because I would very much appreciate your prayerful support and encouraging words. As we have prayed through each of these decisions, we have been affirmed in our decisions.  As the doors continue to open, we continue to walk through them with more knowledge, confidence and peace.

I am laying down my shame about my weight and taking hold of my own strength. The surgery is a tool among many to help me reach my goals.  My hope is to be free of some of my medical diagnoses, and be much stronger before my 40th birthday! Thats about 20 months from now.  I am ready! Let's do this!

{I would love to share more of my story if you have questions.  I would appreciate at this point in my journey if you have an "aunt's cousin's girlfriend's terrible bariatric surgery story," that you would not share that story with me or my family.  As with anything in life, there are so many varying experiences.  My physicians and support team have thoroughly evaluated my current all-around health and have given me a stamp of approval for this specific surgery.  Thank you for understanding these boundaries I need in place for my head and heart right now.}

*Disclaimer: No one at Novant Health Bariatric Clinic is paying me to comment on their practice or services.  I am sharing this because I am truly thankful.  I hope sharing my experience will encourage even one more person to take the next step towards health.

Empty Hands

This space has been a safe space for me to write as I journey through weight loss and towards health. It is also a space for me to explore and ask the hard questions about the other things in my life that hinder and slow me down.  More You, Oh Lord, less me. What binds me up and keeps me from experiencing life to the full?

Sitting in a committee meeting with a group of my beloved church members last night, I felt my soul becoming more and more itchy.  Have you ever felt that way?  I could feel this agitation in my heart and in my skin.  I continued to listen, trying to make sense of our research and our current conversation.  We have been charged with assessing our church's mission and facilities to make sure that we are being good stewards of both. This is a long, difficult but also lovely process.  As our leader stated early on in our committee's life, we are running a marathon not a sprint.  Overall, the meeting was very helpful and hopeful.

I felt in my spirit pressed to ask some questions during the meeting. I already feel fairly naive in relation the other folks in the room when it comes to business matters, and needed some clarification on some things.  My questions were met with gentle and kind answers, but generally business like answers.  As I processed the information later in the night I was able to identify my emotions; I was embarrassed. I don't have the same knowledge base as the business minded folks.  But it was more than that: I was simply sad. There is so much more to us, our beloved community, than our facilities but we must have these conversations. I cried with a couple friends after the meeting trying to sort out just what feelings I was experiencing.  

See, still fresh on my mind from that afternoon was yet another tragedy, in a string of tragedies in our nation: a young, black man was wrongly killed by police. This horrific and heartbreaking tragedy was still weighing so heavily on my heart yesterday while I sat around the conference room table with my brothers and sisters, while Alton Sterling's family grieved the senseless loss their beloved son and father. 

And yet, here we sat discussing millions of dollars in budgets and buildings.  

I love our beloved community of faith.  We do so much good in our community and around the world with the gifts we are given.  This committee's existence is a good example of our desire to make sure we are doing our very best to do God's work with our assets.  We are learning to love each other and learning to love the unlovely.  We are seeking ways to be peacemakers with whomever our neighbor may be.  We desire to BE love in the midst of hate.  

We genuinely desire to serve the Lord, but we have this institution we have to manage.  

That is where I feel the disconnect.  The rub of managing the institution and being freely mobilized as the Body of Christ.

We have neighbors who are hurting, but our roof is leaking.  

We have brothers and sisters who are hungry, but our parking lot needs to be repaved.

There are refugees among us who need housing, but that empty space in our facility is not allocated for that. 

These are not unique to our corner of downtown Winston-Salem. I am no church history buff, but I am certain at least for the last several decades the Church has struggled with this dynamic.

And yet... we are the Body of Christ.  His Bride.  And He LOVES us.  He loves to care for us and give us good things.  Why do I ever doubt that?  We have the hope of life and love to the full.  Because of Immanuel, God WITH us, we have this hope!  So what does that look like?  How does it get muddied and messed up? Why do I feel so burdened and weighed down with so much? Why do we grasp so tightly what is in our hands, not believing God for the good that comes with empty hands?

What can we cast off so that we are free to live and free to truly and extravagantly love without fear?  

I think that is why I cried.  And then I cried some more.  Because every time the Lord is teaching me something, it becomes so painfully personal before it becomes anything that is useful for the Body of Christ. 

What can I cast off so that I am free to truly and extravagantly love without fear?

Casting off what hinders? That sums up my whole health journey. I am daily discerning what is good for my body and my soul.  This deeply personal process has been good and exhausting, tedious and downright maddening at times...  My desire is to cast off, to be done with, all that hinders me from the freedom to be fully me, the freedom to fully live and love.  Empty hands.

As I processed some of this with a friend after our meeting last night, she just called it what it is.  "You felt impressed by the Holy Spirit to ask the hard questions.  For all of us.  And you did it.  We needed you to do that."  

Perhaps the hard questions were for all of us. I know they are for me.  

Done... Again.

Remember that time several years ago when I shared my addiction to diet sodas? I wanted to stop drinking them.  I read that the artificial sweeteners do the same thing to my brain that processed sugars do.  And with my body type, I needed no help craving more sugars.  So, I quit Diet Cokes. I went through a full detox over the damn things.  I had what some call "detox flu," body aches, sweats, and headaches, for days.  I swore once I had kicked that habit I would never again drink that poison.

Oooopsies.  I forgot that, too.

It wasn't a conscious decision to drink the equivalent of my body weight in ounces of Diet Coke a day.  {Don't do the math; just know I was drinking A LOT of Diet Coke.} It began slowly though.  My good habits slowly eroded away.  I ordered a soda when we ate out at restaurants.  Then I started buying the 12 pack of cans at Target, rationing them for the week.

Isn't that how these things happen?  We feel good about where we are and we loosen up.  Or perhaps we just dip our toes back into the dangerous waters that once swept us away.

Well, just like that: I began drinking Diet Coke again.  And then I drank Diet Coke A LOT.  I felt like I needed 5-6 cans of it to make it through my day with 5 kids.

Until about 6 weeks ago.  I quit Diet Cokes... again.  Done. Cold turkey.  Once again I went through the detox flu. Now, I am drinking about 80 ounces of water a day.  I have found that now, since I am not drinking soda, they don't even taste good to me anymore.  Way too sweet!  It also helps to have a really cute water bottle.  I don't know why this helps, but I'm certain this is scientifically proven.

I have also found the La Croix carbonated waters are helpful to give me the bubblies that I crave in the afternoon.  They have lots of fun flavors, so I haven't gotten bored with those. They are helping me steer clear of diet sodas! {P.S. No one is paying me to say these kind words about La Croix.  I sincerely enjoy the drink!}

Just another update on the journey to health for me.  I am still having caffeine withdrawal headaches. I am so ready to be done with those.  I am thankful for lots of clean, drinking water and cute water bottle.  {And, ahem, let's be honest: lots of WC's around town to drop off my water.}

Masks

Hi.  It's me again!  5 years later.  I'm still on this wild ride, a little further from my fitness and health goals.  But I am still on the way!

When you are seated on an airplane and are preparing for take-off, what is one of the things that flight attendants instruct you to do for safety?

"Place your own oxygen mask on your face before assisting others."  

Right? We know this.  It makes sense. And yet, it is so hard to do in the midst of life's demands. Especially when traveling this journey with children and those who require assistance, it is vital to place your own oxygen mask first before assisting others.  

Ooopsies.  I forgot. 

This is the story of how I was reminded.  

So, I am exhausted all the time.  I also have five children.  I began seeing health professionals to see if my exhaustion had other roots besides mothering five children.  That questioning led me down a path of various testing, one of which was a sleep study.  

Turns out I stop breathing over and over again within an hour.  My body was just trying to survive the night, certainly not resting and restoring for the next day.  

I was prescribed CPAP therapy, continuous positive airway pressure, for sleeping.  This CPAP machine has tubes, and you guessed it: a MASK.  You can probably picture this ultra sexy contraption strapped to my face already, but in case you cannot, here is a photo.  

You're welcome.  I mean, pretty damn cute, right? I like to keep things real around here.  {Notice, my also ultra sexy Vanity Fair gown. Hello, Mamaw.}  

Ahem, I digress.  

Everyone, and I do mean EVERYONE, has told me just how wonderful I am going to feel with my CPAP.  Once I am getting a full night's sleep, I am going to be so refreshed.  I am going to be so energized.  I would finally have the energy to care for my family the way I want to!  

I was going to literally have to put on my mask before assisting others. 

But, I had to get over myself because of 1) Shame. How did I get to this place at my young age where I have to have this contraption?  Isn't this needed for older folk?  And when did my weight get this out of control? 2) I mean really.  This thing is not attractive.  Think Snuffalufagus.  Will my man still think I'm hot before I wear the mask?  Will he see me the same way?  3) How the hell will I actually fall asleep with something strapped to my face?  I loathe anything restricting anything, anywhere on my body. 

I had to try.  1) and 2) proved to be non-issues.  3) was definitely an issue.  I am still getting some help with this one.  

I put my mask on every night in hopes that it will help restore and refresh my body. The jury is still out.  I am not yet feeling wonderfully refreshed.  I am getting a full nights sleep though!  That's improvement.  I still have hope!  I desire to live abundantly and fully for my family and myself, and this CPAP and it's mask are some of the tools to help me along the way.  

I will continue to share more of my journey and the tools I'm using along the way!

Here's the thing...

So, here's the thing.  Remember that last post?  That was just a week ago.  I feel particularly like I'm under attack just after sharing something so raw.  I feel like I doubt myself more.  I question what God is speaking over my life.  I hear those age old lies in my head and heart, "you'll never conquer this."

The days since the last post have not been as, how shall we say, victorious?  I have been sleeping later.  My quiet times have been shorter.  Each morning that I chose to sleep in a bit, I consciously pushed snooze on my time with the Lord.

Dang.

That doesn't sound like the lady from last week that wanted to shout from the rooftops:  "Good news!  I've tasted victory, and it's possible!"  It sounded more like that old, grouchy lady, "You can't do this.  Whatever you try, you will stay in this cycle of defeat."

But God.  I love when God intervenes.  He's always speaking to us.  It's time I listen.

My friend just gave me Jesus Calling: Enjoying Peace in His Presence by Sarah Young.  I read it this morning in a bit of quiet time quickie.  I jotted the scripture verses down to look at later on and ran out the door.

This is how today's message read:
"Do everything in dependence on Me.  The desire to act independently- apart from Me- springs from the root of pride.  Self-sufficiency is subtle, insinuating its way into your thoughts and actions without your realizing it.  But apart from Me, you can do nothing: that is, nothing of eternal value.  My deepest desire for you is that you learn to depend on Me in every situation.  I move heaven and earth to accomplish this purpose, but you must collaborate with Me in this training.  Teaching you would be simple if I negated your free will or overwhelmed you with My Power.  However, I love you too much to withdraw the godlike privilege I bestowed on you as My image-bearer.  Use your freedom wisely, by relying on Me constantly.  Thus you enjoy My Presence and My Peace." {Jesus Calling, p. 261)

I am thankful for grace.  I am thankful for His mercies, new each morning.  I am thankful that I don't have to try to do this in my strength.  I don't do a quiet time in the morning out of duty, but rather, I meet with Jesus because He shows up.  I desire to be in His presence.  I desire to hear from Him.  I need to hear from Him.  

When I try to do any thing apart from Jesus, in my strength, rather than His, I am going to fail.  I cannot do life without Him.  I need to fall on my face to be reminded that He is the only who can accomplish any good thing.

Today, I begin again.  Thank you, Lord for your sweet mercy, your lovingkindness and your very presence.

So, here's the thing:  I'm here to say that THANK GOD I HAVE TODAY!  Regardless of what last year, last week, yesterday, or already this morning held, today can be different.  Today I can choose to live differently with my very next choice.

Morning of Victory!

Yay!  This morning I was that woman.  The woman I have dreamed and desired and longed to be for years!  I had a sweet taste of living in victory over something that has plagued my life for years!  Oh yes, it was sweet!

Ok, here's the backstory.  In my heart of hearts, I have desired to be an early riser.  Now, mind you, mornings, historically have not been my friend.  I have proclaimed on many occasions that I am not a morning person!  All of that is changing.

I have shared with you that Made to Crave by Lysa Terkeurst has been a very helpful tool for me in this life changing journey.  In one of the video sessions, she describes a person whose job it is to carry water.  But the bucket she carries has many holes.  Some of the holes are larger than others.  Some of the holes are in the sides, some are in the bottom.

{Source}

As the water carrier, what hole would you fill first?  Some would argue to fill the largest one first.  It's the ugliest and stands out the most.  Some would argue to fill several of the small ones at one time so you get more accomplished all at once.  But if that hole in the bottom isn't filled first, then none of the other ones matter.

Make sense?

I had to ask the Lord what my bucket needed.  My heart had some healing to do, and I asked Him where to start.


Start with Me.  


Right, Lord.  I got it.  Give it to you.  Let you work this change in my heart.

Start with Me.


I got it.  Start with the hole in my heart that can only be filled with You.

Start with Me.


But Lord, I don't know where or how to fit it in.  There's so many things pulling at my schedule.  And I'm trying to exercise.  I'm trying to plan healthy meals.  I...  I...

Start with Me.  {Isn't He patient and merciful?}

Oh.  You mean, start today with you?

Yes.  Start with Me.


And each day?  First thing in the morning? It will have to be early morning?  Shoot.  {You remember I said, I'm not a morning person.}

While I did not hear an audible voice, {never have, actually}, I knew in my spirit that He was speaking this truth over my life.  Start each day with Him.  Start each day immersing my soul in His truth.  Make a date Him.  Just me with Jesus.

And y'all.  It's good.  He shows up BIG TIME.  It's sweet.  I anticipate it like a date!  There's been a few mornings that I have ignored His invitation and slept in.  I have found that I really miss that time.  Now, I can find it somewhere else in my day, but there is something so delightful about a quiet and still house in the morning.  It helps my mind and heart be still to hear from Him.

So back to my morning today.  I have been doing this morning routine for several weeks now.  And today it hit me: I was that woman!  I rose early, before the sun.  I began to pray and ask the Lord to speak into my heart.  Begging Him to be my portion, today.  Smitty made me a cup of coffee, 'cause he's wonderful like that and 'cause I do need the caffeine!  I took my dog for a short little stroll, drinking coffee all the while, wearing my pajamas {Ange, I might have to get a housecoat, after all}.  I tinkered around in our one-plant garden, harvesting little cherry tomatoes.  It was quiet and still outside.  The sun was now up.   My soul was quieted and prepared for the day.

Doesn't sound like much to you?  I have longed for the days where my day began this way.  I have desired to seek Him first, literally.  Because I am sinner, I will still have days that don't look like this.  I don't expect that everything's going to go my way because of a good start to the morning.  But I do know that my heart has heard from it's Maker this morning.  He says He loves me very much and wants me to be free of the sin than entangles.

Y'all, I am so hopeful.  I can taste the sweetness of victory over this cycle of defeat.  It's good.

Pray with me that I would accept His invitation each morning for our morning date.

3 months? Surely Not.

I cannot believe that three months has gone by since my last post in this space.  Where do I begin?

I'm still on this journey to less of me and becoming more Christlike.  In terms of my exercise, I allowed the crazy schedule of our MAPP training, end of school, etc to get in the way of the wonderful routines I had established.  I am exercising about once a week currently, and I really am ready to get back to a routine.

In terms of my eating, I have fallen back into some bad habits.  I have indulged way too much this summer. Our lack of schedule and routine have also resulted in eating out way more than we usually do.  Which is real fun... but my choices are not always good ones!

So, as you may have guessed, I have not continued losing weight.  I have gained back a couple of the pounds I lost. I began feeling downhearted about it all.  Thankfully, the Lord loves me just where I am but loves me too much to leave me here.

My friend's church is doing the Made to Crave group study.  Thank you, Danielle, for your willingness to facilitate this group and be vulnerable along with us!  I loved this book and am grateful for the opportunity to hear Lysa Terkeurst speak in the DVD.  It also has a participant's guide for homework.  It's really good stuff.

I have been so convicted that anything that comes before the Lord in my life is an idol.  Anything/Anyone that I enjoy more than the Lord.  Anything/Anyone that I cling to more than Jesus.  Food, friends, facebook, foster care... {dog, that's a lot of F words.}  My relationship with food is unhealthy.  I have found that I trust in it, I love it, I run to it, I depend on it... you get the point.  I want that to be Jesus.  He loves me back!  Not the food.  He satisfies.  Not the food.

I'm pouring Scripture into my heart.  I am feasting on God's word.  I am trying to memorize Scripture so that is what I depend on.  {Not that basket of chips and bowl of guacamole.}  These are the verses I am working on this week:

"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God?  You are not your own; you were bought with a price.  Therefore, honor God with your body."  I Corinthians 6:19

Thanks for praying with me.  Thank you for checking in on my journey.  My heart is changing.  It's painful.  I'm grateful.  I know this is not a quick weight loss goal, but rather it is a lifelong journey.   I've decided I'm going to enjoy the journey.  What about you?